It's after 6 in the morning, and I'm having another sleepless night. Lately, I struggle with sleeping for many reasons. It seems after a certain point in the night, that nothing makes sense anymore and that even though I have tried to clear my brain, I have somehow pondered through every thought in my head at least twice. Last Friday was my due date. It hit me strangely. I wasn't overly sad, but I still felt very sentimental, like life should stop for just a second. In October, my husband and I lost our baby. Daegen was born at 28 weeks and five days on October 27th. He lived for about an hour after he was born, and then he passed away. Due to the circumstances, we were never able to see him alive. Reasons for his death are still unknown.
I went back and forth for the past few months trying to decide if I should even write about this. I've never been good at blogging, I love to write, but I'm not very disciplined. I questioned whether or not anyone would even care to read the saga that has become my life...but then I thought maybe this isn't for others to read. I just need a way to get these thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain out in the open.
A lot of my friends have said I'm strong and that they are happy that I've been able to move on from this devastating situation. I wonder what they would think if they knew some days I'm barely hanging on, and that a few weeks ago while I was at the hospital for a doctor appointment I found myself sitting outside of the Labor and Delivery Department for almost an hour. I sat there, not able to move, not able to catch my breath. I watched doctor's coming in and out, some laughing, some talking, just going about their business. I saw a very pregnant mother entering the delivery ward, smiling and excited to be so close to holding her precious baby. I watched as another mother was being wheeled into the nursery, she had obviously just given birth, and was on her way to spend the first few glorious minutes of her baby's life with her and her husband. What was I doing just sitting there? Everyone else was going about their business, living their lives...not even noticing that I was about to lose it. Not even taking a second glance to see that my fists were clenched, my jaw was tight, and I was gasping for breath. That should be me holding my baby, seeing him open his eyes, and feeling his tiny breath. Reality had set in again, my world was shattered, I sat there unable to move, begging God to get me off the of the bench...but I just couldn't move. I felt paralyzed by reality.
So I ask, can you ever really move on? Some days I am so strong, others I'm a heartbeat away from uncontrollable crying. God, I know you're there. I know only you can give me the strength I need. I have faith and yet so many questions and doubts. Sometimes my world crumbles around me, and I'm shaken, but I know you're there.
I'll see how long this blog lasts, none of mine ever do. I lose interest, or focus too easily. But this situation seems to me like an endless battle. So, until I don't write anymore, I'll be sorting my thoughts out, probably venting, hopefully growing, and gaining some peace and understanding as well as learning about the God who knows what it's like to lose a son and to watch the world move on, and continue with life as usual.