Monday, January 17, 2011

Well, Here I Am

It's after 6 in the morning, and I'm having another sleepless night. Lately, I struggle with sleeping for many reasons. It seems after a certain point in the night, that nothing makes sense anymore and that even though I have tried to clear my brain, I have somehow pondered through every thought in my head at least twice. Last Friday was my due date. It hit me strangely. I wasn't overly sad, but I still felt very sentimental, like life should stop for just a second. In October, my husband and I lost our baby. Daegen was born at 28 weeks and five days on October 27th. He lived for about an hour after he was born, and then he passed away. Due to the circumstances, we were never able to see him alive. Reasons for his death are still unknown.

I went back and forth for the past few months trying to decide if I should even write about this. I've never been good at blogging, I love to write, but I'm not very disciplined. I questioned whether or not anyone would even care to read the saga that has become my life...but then I thought maybe this isn't for others to read. I just need a way to get these thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain out in the open.

A lot of my friends have said I'm strong and that they are happy that I've been able to move on from this devastating situation. I wonder what they would think if they knew some days I'm barely hanging on, and that a few weeks ago while I was at the hospital for a doctor appointment I found myself sitting outside of the Labor and Delivery Department for almost an hour. I sat there, not able to move, not able to catch my breath. I watched doctor's coming in and out, some laughing, some talking, just going about their business. I saw a very pregnant mother entering the delivery ward, smiling and excited to be so close to holding her precious baby. I watched as another mother was being wheeled into the nursery, she had obviously just given birth, and was on her way to spend the first few glorious minutes of her baby's life with her and her husband. What was I doing just sitting there? Everyone else was going about their business, living their lives...not even noticing that I was about to lose it. Not even taking a second glance to see that my fists were clenched, my jaw was tight, and I was gasping for breath. That should be me holding my baby, seeing him open his eyes, and feeling his tiny breath. Reality had set in again, my world was shattered, I sat there unable to move, begging God to get me off the of the bench...but I just couldn't move. I felt paralyzed by reality.

So I ask, can you ever really move on? Some days I am so strong, others I'm a heartbeat away from uncontrollable crying. God, I know you're there. I know only you can give me the strength I need. I have faith and yet so many questions and doubts. Sometimes my world crumbles around me, and I'm shaken, but I know you're there.

I'll see how long this blog lasts, none of mine ever do. I lose interest, or focus too easily. But this situation seems to me like an endless battle. So, until I don't write anymore, I'll be sorting my thoughts out, probably venting, hopefully growing, and gaining some peace and understanding as well as learning about the God who knows what it's like to lose a son and to watch the world move on, and continue with life as usual.


  1. this makes my heart ache. your family remains in my prayers. may the Lord bless you and keep you and grant you peace.

    a dear friend of mine lost their precious son of SIDS when he was 4 and a half months old. This poem is one of my favorites and was read at his service. It still gives me great comfort when I read it and think of him.

    e.e. cummings- 'i carry your heart with me'

    i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
    my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
    i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
    by only me is your doing,my darling)
    i fear
    no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
    no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
    and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
    and whatever a sun will always sing is you

    here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
    and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
    higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

  2. Erin,

    I actually hate when people say move on in regard to my daughter Lydia's implies that it is something forgettable, or that I would want to move past it and get over it. While I don't feel that her death defines me or my life, it is part of who I am and always will be. All the hopes, the dreams we have as parents for a child, make a child's death particularly difficult for a parent. It also seems so difficult that life moves on around you, even though your whole world has crashed. Don't feel as though you have to move past anything....Daegan is and always will be a part of you. Maybe the way to think of it is that you will learn to accept and live with this loss in a way that allows you to move forward. I hope that makes sense. If you ever want to talk, let me know.

    Much love,

    Monica Miyashita, Mama to ^Liddy^

  3. my dear sweet friend ERIN!
    I love you and I love reading your hearts cry. you are one of the most real person I read. :) You are in my prayers. I am not even going to pretent to understand, because I don't, but I pray along with you that God will strengthen and grow you thru this.
    I love you and your sweet family!!
    miss you dearly...

  4. Thank you for sharing, Erin. I don't think anyone should expect you to get over Daegan's death. He was important. His life had value, no matter how brief his time here was. Sometimes I think the people whose lives are the shortest make the biggest impact on others. I know I have been hugely impacted by the lives of lost babies (though not my own). So, while I have not shared the depth of your pain, my heart aches for you, for all the what ifs, for all the dreams that will have to wait until you see him in eternity. I'm praying that our gently Shephard will carry you, Sweet Erin.
    Love, Laura

  5. Erin you are in my prayers and thoughts. I feel your pain and don't think you ever fully get over the loss of a child. Sometimes being strong is just making it minute by minute. Beautiful picture of Daegen. If you need to vent, cry, or laugh I'm here for you.

  6. Love you so much, words are not adaquate to express to you. I am sure you have been hurt by words that were meant to comfort or show care and concern, maybe even my own. Thank you for sharing your love for Daegan and your memories, inner thoughts, your raw pain and honesty and the reason for your hope. Your pain is unfathomable and I continue to pray that you will feel God's presence both supernaturally and through the body of Christ here on earth.

  7. An angel came down and wrote his date of birth,
    While looking at him she whispered "Far too sweet for Earth"...Erin, praying that you find comfort, and understanding that you need.