So, it's been one of those weeks I guess. I am having a bad one. Yes, I realize that I only seem to write when things aren't going so well, maybe I should really focus on writing when things are going amazing. But right now, they just aren't. I've been going through my few and precious pictures of Daegen, staring at his beautiful face. I wish I could have held him while he was alive. It breaks my heart to know while he was struggling to live, I was a few feet away and couldn't do a single thing to help him. My nightmares are back. Ever since October 27th, I have had this nightmare I just can't shake. It's almost like I am having an out of body experience, I am looking down onto a floor, and I am laying there in my own blood, a few feet away from me is Daegen. He is slipping away, and no matter what I do, I can't get to him. I am reaching and stretching, but I can't touch him, he is just out of my grasp. He is dying and I can't save him.
I know there was nothing I could have done. I still beat myself up over it anyhow. I know there was nothing I could have done. I can't quit beating myself up. I know there was nothing I could have done....I know there was nothing I could have done...I feel like I failed him, my body let him down, I couldn't carry him safely. I am battling the truth...I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE...yet, I struggle, the thoughts spin through my head like a fan blade...you should have...you could have...why didn't you....what if you...
Lord, please give me peace. I know you are in control. You were in control October 27th, You are in control now.....
