Thursday, March 10, 2011

Hanging On

So, it's been one of those weeks I guess. I am having a bad one. Yes, I realize that I only seem to write when things aren't going so well, maybe I should really focus on writing when things are going amazing. But right now, they just aren't. I've been going through my few and precious pictures of Daegen, staring at his beautiful face. I wish I could have held him while he was alive. It breaks my heart to know while he was struggling to live, I was a few feet away and couldn't do a single thing to help him. My nightmares are back. Ever since October 27th, I have had this nightmare I just can't shake. It's almost like I am having an out of body experience, I am looking down onto a floor, and I am laying there in my own blood, a few feet away from me is Daegen. He is slipping away, and no matter what I do, I can't get to him. I am reaching and stretching, but I can't touch him, he is just out of my grasp. He is dying and I can't save him.

I know there was nothing I could have done. I still beat myself up over it anyhow. I know there was nothing I could have done. I can't quit beating myself up. I know there was nothing I could have done....I know there was nothing I could have done...I feel like I failed him, my body let him down, I couldn't carry him safely. I am battling the truth...I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE...yet, I struggle, the thoughts spin through my head like a fan should could have...why didn't you....what if you...

Lord, please give me peace. I know you are in control. You were in control October 27th, You are in control now.....


  1. I love you Erin. Hang on tightly to the words of your last paragraph. It might not feel like God is in control all of the time, Philippians 4:6-9

  2. I forgot that you had a blog! I can't help but stare at his cute little face. I can't believe how perfect he was. I've seen a lot of pictures of babies born early and none of them have ever looked as perfect as he does.

  3. Thank you Amy! Sometimes I click on here just to look at this face! He was so beautiful, I couldn't take my eyes off of him!

  4. I am sorry your nightmares had been so strong! I struggled with panic attacks in the middle of the night out of my sleep for a long time! Ususally they came out of radom horrific dreams. I am glad for this one good dream you had, i hope the good ones are abe to come more frequently. I struggle too about the what if's, about the should have, etc... I am brokenhearted with you still for you not being able to see him right away or be made aware of the situation, for the limitations... I still struggle with what i was not made aware of, with my baby not having even a minute alive with me...I know our situations were different in many aspects but the hurt is so deep! Many times i stillask Him why us? This time of the year is really bad for me, and know that every year i think about Daegan as he and Isabella were born only one day apart. Our lives crashed around the same time. Holding you close at heart!