Ok, I am dealing pretty well with Daegen's death, I mean, I'm not sitting in a dark room crying, or wanting to slit my wrists or anything, but that doesn't mean I don't have bad days. I am at peace, yet, sometimes I want to question whether or not God really knows what He's doing...as if somehow, I had a better plan...but anyone who knows me knows I'm not much of a planner.
Here are just a few things that have irritated me, well-meaning people can really say the stupidest things sometimes:
1. You can always have another baby. (As if to say, Sorry you ruined your favorite shirt, you can always go to Old Navy and get another one...)
2. You're young, it's not too late to try again. (Oops, maybe when you're older, and have more life experience this baby thing might work out for ya.)
3. You need to get out and meet some new people, it will do ya good. (I have no translation for this one, but I just want to say: You know what? Shut up. I'm going through something very emotional and difficult right now, and really the last thing I want to do, is be that social fun-loving person that I normally am...not that I want to be a recluse, but it's been just a few months, I'm still processing so much, and just so you know, I have a fabulous support system of friends that I already have, I don't need to meet anyone new right now.... so back the hell off and let me grieve the way I need to!)
4. Well, you should be glad he's in a better place. (I want to look at them and say "Oh yes, you're right, I'm thrilled, because when I got pregnant, it was my hope and desire to never get to experience my child." Yes, I know he is in a better place, but that doesn't mean I don't miss him, and that I didn't want him to be a daily part of our lives...this comment I hear way too often, and I know it's supposed to be comforting, but to be honest, it makes me want to punch the person in the face.)
5. You should pray to God about how you're feeling. (Um, duh.......)
That's all I have to say for right now, and I don't mean to come across so hateful, but really, if you know someone who is struggling with infant or child loss, or infertility, or whatever, sometimes, not saying anything, and just being there with a hug is the best you can do.
I so appreciate your honesty, Erin. I have a hard time feeling loving toward people who just don't get or even begin to get the preciousness of life. I'm praying for you, friend, and remembering your sweet baby boy.
ReplyDeletei can so totally relate. one of the worst things any one ever said to me was i should be glad she died because now i wouldn't have to take care of a special needs child. my mind went to the time where we had to wait, knowing she was sick but would soon die. oh how i prayed and pleaded with God to let her live. Oh how i imagined loving her no matter what difficulties we had to deal with! it was this indescribable enourmous love for a little girl i had never laid eyes on yet. how dare this woman tell me that i should be glad she died! I wanted to tell her how evil she was to assume that a baby was only worth having if i t was perfect. and that she was heartless and selfish to say someone couldnt love that kind of child. i didn't say any thing. i just waited to get to my van and then i wept uncontrolably. i do know this though most people can not even begin to understand this kind of pain. and most people really are trying to bring comfort. unfortunately they can often bring more pain. but its part of the healing journey. if we can be forgiving of people's ignorance and remember they are all hurting in their own ways too we can embrace the rude comments and love the giver of them anyway. I am glad you are writing this. it will educate some of the people who read it and help them educate others on what NOT to say to someone who is grieving. I am proud of you for letting it make you mad! and I am proud of you for acknowledging that these stupid people are well-meaninged even though they seem completely selfish. i am praying for you dear one!
ReplyDeleteThis is sooo not hateful at all!! In fact, it sounds down right polite. I think people feel the need to say something, anything, to somebody and so the things that tumble out of their mouth is pure craziness. I always appreciate learning what to say because it keeps you from stumbling and saying something crazy. One thing I've learned from friends who have lost a child (sadly, I have a few of these)is to not be afraid to mention the child. People are afraid to mention the child to keep from upsetting the parent, but really...they want to talk about them. So, I will say this. The picture at the top of this is the only picture I've seen of Daegen and each time I see it, it takes my breath away at how beautiful he was and how much he looks like Jonathan.
ReplyDeleteErin, I love you! I can understand how everyone of those things can be upsetting. I don't pretend to know how you feel, but whatever you are feeling is ok. You can always talk to me.
ReplyDeleteThe friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares. " Henri Nouwen
ReplyDelete