gonna be a bright, sunshiney day

I haven't wrote for awhile...we have been on the go, so much going on right now, and so far, everything seems to be working out all right! For that, I am grateful.

The other night, I had the most amazing dream. In my dream, my husband Jason and I decided we were going to make sandwiches for dinner. After getting all of the supplies out for these delicious sub sandwiches, we came up with this extraordinary idea to make avacado slices for our sandwiches. This made us very excited in our dream, because we created a way to make sliced guacamole for sandwiches and crackers and whatever else you would want sliced guacamole on. Now, when I say "sliced guacamole" think Kraft American Cheese Slices...only...it's...GUACAMOLE...individually sliced and wrapped.... is that not the most brilliant thing ever? In my dream, the sliced guacamole became for us a multi-billion dollar company...everyone was happy....and eating sliced guacamole on everything. Sliced Guacamole...the best thing since...sliced bread....

That was it. That was my dream. Why was it so amazing? For the first time in a long time, I didn't have a nightmare...it was beautiful. And if anyone comes up with sliced guacamole in the future...you know you heard about HERE first....!!!

Love you all....

Hanging On

So, it's been one of those weeks I guess. I am having a bad one. Yes, I realize that I only seem to write when things aren't going so well, maybe I should really focus on writing when things are going amazing. But right now, they just aren't. I've been going through my few and precious pictures of Daegen, staring at his beautiful face. I wish I could have held him while he was alive. It breaks my heart to know while he was struggling to live, I was a few feet away and couldn't do a single thing to help him. My nightmares are back. Ever since October 27th, I have had this nightmare I just can't shake. It's almost like I am having an out of body experience, I am looking down onto a floor, and I am laying there in my own blood, a few feet away from me is Daegen. He is slipping away, and no matter what I do, I can't get to him. I am reaching and stretching, but I can't touch him, he is just out of my grasp. He is dying and I can't save him.

I know there was nothing I could have done. I still beat myself up over it anyhow. I know there was nothing I could have done. I can't quit beating myself up. I know there was nothing I could have done....I know there was nothing I could have done...I feel like I failed him, my body let him down, I couldn't carry him safely. I am battling the truth...I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE...yet, I struggle, the thoughts spin through my head like a fan blade...you should have...you could have...why didn't you....what if you...

Lord, please give me peace. I know you are in control. You were in control October 27th, You are in control now.....

Just Leave Me Alone

Ok, I am dealing pretty well with Daegen's death, I mean, I'm not sitting in a dark room crying, or wanting to slit my wrists or anything, but that doesn't mean I don't have bad days. I am at peace, yet, sometimes I want to question whether or not God really knows what He's doing...as if somehow, I had a better plan...but anyone who knows me knows I'm not much of a planner.

Here are just a few things that have irritated me, well-meaning people can really say the stupidest things sometimes:

1. You can always have another baby. (As if to say, Sorry you ruined your favorite shirt, you can always go to Old Navy and get another one...)

2. You're young, it's not too late to try again. (Oops, maybe when you're older, and have more life experience this baby thing might work out for ya.)

3. You need to get out and meet some new people, it will do ya good. (I have no translation for this one, but I just want to say: You know what? Shut up. I'm going through something very emotional and difficult right now, and really the last thing I want to do, is be that social fun-loving person that I normally am...not that I want to be a recluse, but it's been just a few months, I'm still processing so much, and just so you know, I have a fabulous support system of friends that I already have, I don't need to meet anyone new right now.... so back the hell off and let me grieve the way I need to!)

4. Well, you should be glad he's in a better place. (I want to look at them and say "Oh yes, you're right, I'm thrilled, because when I got pregnant, it was my hope and desire to never get to experience my child." Yes, I know he is in a better place, but that doesn't mean I don't miss him, and that I didn't want him to be a daily part of our lives...this comment I hear way too often, and I know it's supposed to be comforting, but to be honest, it makes me want to punch the person in the face.)

5. You should pray to God about how you're feeling. (Um, duh.......)


That's all I have to say for right now, and I don't mean to come across so hateful, but really, if you know someone who is struggling with infant or child loss, or infertility, or whatever, sometimes, not saying anything, and just being there with a hug is the best you can do.

Faith of a Child

Two days after Daegen's funeral, my mom, Jonathan (my five year old son) and I were walking through the grocery store. It was one of my first days out in public after everything that happened, and to tell you the truth, was probably one of the highlights of my week, to just get out of the dang house and hospital! All of the sudden, in the middle of the meat department, Jonathan yells "OH, I FORGOT, I SAW DAEGEN TODAY!" My mother and I both stopped and looked at him, confused I said, "What are you talking about?" He repeated himself, "I saw Daegen! Isn't that awesome?" Again, we just stared at him, and asked him what he meant. He started into this elaborate story, "Well, on the bus ride home, I was looking out the window, and I saw Jesus' rays coming down from heaven. I looked and I saw Daegen flying up to Heaven. I saw his face, his eyes were closed, and Jesus had his arms open. Daegen was wrapped up in a blanket, and he went right up the rays to Jesus, isn't that cool?!" Of course, my mom and I didn't really know what to say, except we exchanged looks, and as if on cue, we both started crying. Jonathan is five, and to be honest, we hadn't talked to him a lot about what happens after someone dies, or how someone "gets to heaven." We have never told him people "fly up to heaven" and to my knowledge, no one has told him that the sunrays are Jesus' "elevator to heaven." So, I asked him who told him to say that, or who he was talking to when he saw Jesus' rays, and he said no one, he was just sitting by himself looking out the window and it was just the coolest thing (his words!) I don't know how God reveals himself to five year olds. Sometimes, I'm not even sure how He reveals himself to me. It's such a struggle sometimes, especially when I feel like God has forgotten me, or that I'm alone in my sorrow and pain. During these times is when I tend to cry out to Him the loudest, and often, it seems His response is so quiet, that I'm not even sure He responds at all. So, yes, I believe that Jonathan needed some reassurance that his little brother was ok. That Daegen wasn't going to just be buried and forgotten. Jonathan had faith, he saw Jesus, and he saw his precious little brother being safely taken to live with Him. Maybe it was the reassurance I needed to know that Jonathan would be ok during all of this. He was so very torn up when he learned we would not be bringing our new baby home. He prayed every night for Daegen before he was born, and he has prayed for him almost every night since...God speaks, He answers prayers, it may not be how we are expecting it, or it may be a simple vision of reassurance to a five year old. I just pray that I am open to hear and see what God has for me.

Snuggle Time

Today was one of those days I woke up faithless. Not really because of anything inparticular, I'm just feeling very human and fleshy today.

I am having a day where I want to cuddle up in my bed, catch up on blogs, maybe take a nap, and drink some hot tea or coffee. Then, I look at my house, and realize, nope, there's no time for that...this place is in dire need of some attention! So, I made a deal with myself, and decided for part of the day, I would cuddle, and the other part organize. So far, cuddling is winning.

As I was laying here in bed, with superhero movies playing on the t.v. and while browsing some of my favorite craft websites, I began to feel a bit convicted of my laziness. Yes, I put a label on it....laziness. Yes, the day is dark and gloomy, the snow is falling beautifully, school was cancelled...it was indeed the perfect day to be snuggly and warm in the bed and under my favorite quilt.

"But Lord (I said in my most sweetest, innocent voice) I have already put on my favorite snuggly slipper socks."

I got up to make lunch, still having the same argument in my head, trying to justify why the day required nothing out of me. The Lord and I went back and forth until the hamburger helper was done.

I am up, getting ready to do the laundry that I have been having a stare down with all day. I will also get to a few other things around the house. Maybe work on my scrapbooking...but most importantly, I'm going to have some "snuggle time" with God later...praying He teaches me something new, and praising Him that I was able to get out of bed today!

You Wove Me

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them."

Psalm 139:13-16

Most likely, you have heard these verses before. They are somewhat of what I call "cliche scripture," you know, the verses from the Bible that everyone kind of knows, whether or not they have ever attended a church service or cracked open a Bible in their entire life. Along with this verse, I would add in Psalm 23, John 3:16...you know, ones that are traditional and safe. This
verse has always been kind of the same to me, traditional and safe...until recently.

During Daegen's funeral service the pastor read this scripture, I've heard it countless times. I've even written papers on it in Bible college. As I heard it being read to me at the funeral, it was like I was hearing it for the first time. The magnitude of it slapped me in the face. Daegen, a beautiful baby boy, had been no doubt fearfully and wonderfully made. He was beautiful, when I saw him for the first time, I was already in love, but to see his features, his hair and his tiny fingers, well, it took my breath away. He was beautiful! He looked so much like his older brother Jonathan, and yet, he was his own. I am a very proud mother.

After Pastor Phelps read this verse, he looked at me and Jason and said "God ordained Daegen's days, there is no doubt in my mind that Daegen fulfilled his purpose on earth." That was the moment I was able to get some peace in the situation. I have no clue what Daegen's hour on earth was for. I have no idea what, in such a short time, his purpose was...but I truly believe he is sitting with Jesus and I imagine he is excited to see what his hour on Earth will accomplish.

For me...I am still learning. I am still asking God to show me. I am trying to be patient...and I have to admit, I am not good at patience. I am being still, I am knowing that He is God....which, of course, is just another one of those "cliche scriptures" that we all know and love.

Well, Here I Am

It's after 6 in the morning, and I'm having another sleepless night. Lately, I struggle with sleeping for many reasons. It seems after a certain point in the night, that nothing makes sense anymore and that even though I have tried to clear my brain, I have somehow pondered through every thought in my head at least twice. Last Friday was my due date. It hit me strangely. I wasn't overly sad, but I still felt very sentimental, like life should stop for just a second. In October, my husband and I lost our baby. Daegen was born at 28 weeks and five days on October 27th. He lived for about an hour after he was born, and then he passed away. Due to the circumstances, we were never able to see him alive. Reasons for his death are still unknown.

I went back and forth for the past few months trying to decide if I should even write about this. I've never been good at blogging, I love to write, but I'm not very disciplined. I questioned whether or not anyone would even care to read the saga that has become my life...but then I thought maybe this isn't for others to read. I just need a way to get these thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain out in the open.

A lot of my friends have said I'm strong and that they are happy that I've been able to move on from this devastating situation. I wonder what they would think if they knew some days I'm barely hanging on, and that a few weeks ago while I was at the hospital for a doctor appointment I found myself sitting outside of the Labor and Delivery Department for almost an hour. I sat there, not able to move, not able to catch my breath. I watched doctor's coming in and out, some laughing, some talking, just going about their business. I saw a very pregnant mother entering the delivery ward, smiling and excited to be so close to holding her precious baby. I watched as another mother was being wheeled into the nursery, she had obviously just given birth, and was on her way to spend the first few glorious minutes of her baby's life with her and her husband. What was I doing just sitting there? Everyone else was going about their business, living their lives...not even noticing that I was about to lose it. Not even taking a second glance to see that my fists were clenched, my jaw was tight, and I was gasping for breath. That should be me holding my baby, seeing him open his eyes, and feeling his tiny breath. Reality had set in again, my world was shattered, I sat there unable to move, begging God to get me off the of the bench...but I just couldn't move. I felt paralyzed by reality.

So I ask, can you ever really move on? Some days I am so strong, others I'm a heartbeat away from uncontrollable crying. God, I know you're there. I know only you can give me the strength I need. I have faith and yet so many questions and doubts. Sometimes my world crumbles around me, and I'm shaken, but I know you're there.

I'll see how long this blog lasts, none of mine ever do. I lose interest, or focus too easily. But this situation seems to me like an endless battle. So, until I don't write anymore, I'll be sorting my thoughts out, probably venting, hopefully growing, and gaining some peace and understanding as well as learning about the God who knows what it's like to lose a son and to watch the world move on, and continue with life as usual.